My Adventure Down Under

I woke up to clouds and rain. Fortunately, these folks are seasoned travelers and avid golfers, so they are prepared for the arctic tundra or equatorial sweat!

The first group this morning was playing at Huntingdale, home of the Australian Masters. About 30 minutes from downtown Melbourne, it was a beautiful private course. There are few if any courses here that have homes on the course and there are plenty of public courses also.

We hired caddies for everyone. Without carts or motorized trolleys (trundlers) some of these folks just can’t play 18 holes. The caddy company we used was owned by a wonderful guy named Greg. Greg is the kind of guy everyone likes as soon as you meet him. He was waiting with the caddies when we arrived and everyone was paired up, with shoes changed and on the range quickly.

Once they began play, my only duty was to be there at the turn with snacks for them and upon finishing, pay for their lunch in the restaurant. The rest of the time I spent sitting on the bus or reading a magazine or the local newspaper.

I find the local newspaper very entertaining. It’s sort of a newspaper/gossip column. Not much gets by the press down here.

If your name is Tony and you are Italian, you must drive a tour bus in Australia. I think it’s a rule. We have 3 drivers for the coaches, Tony, Tony, Tony, and Frank. Very funny! One of the “Tony’s” is a cousin of the late Sonny Bono. (grandfathers were brothers).

Midway through the first nine, the head pro came to me to say one group was playing too slowly. We had alerted the course to that possibility early on. Even though the average age of the passengers is 68, we do have some 79 and 80’s. Two of them in particular are repeat customers so we are prepared for them. The pro suggested that in order not to be “mowed down” by the groups behind them, he blank out the next 3 tee times to give them some cushion. That cushion was gone by hole #3.

He spoke with the passenger about his speed of play, and was told you can stick your speed of play where the sun don’t shine. He might be older, but he’s got spunk! The pro suggested I speak when him at the turn.

I did and was met with the same statement. Greg also instructed his caddies to encourage their movement as best they can and to suggest skipping a hole if needed. (Incidentally, on the first cruise here last week, there was one passenger that was barely able to walk and as a result, our owner Jim had to tell him he and his wife could not play golf on the trip. They understood and were quite happy to accompany the group to the course, hit some balls, putt some and sit on the porch and watch everyone come in).

Foursome #1 finished 4.25 hours, following by Foursome #2 and to our amazement, Foursome #3 was in sight right behind them. They were met at the clubhouse with cheering from the other passengers. Turns out that the more I get to know the Grumpy Old Man, the more I like him. He’s has a very dry wit and is not so bad underneath. Some of the ladies were talking about shopping and he said that he’s convinced that Heaven will be a great short game and Hell is 7 rounds of golf followed by daily shopping!

While I was sitting on the bench at the 18th hole, many members stopped to say hello and chat. They are very interested in who you are and are eager to offer you their suggestions on where to eat, and what to do. Two little fellows in a cart (turns out you can have a cart here if you practically paid for the course construction and are over 80!) came by. They introduced themselves and we chatted about Kalos and the area. They were just like Chip and Dale and I got a sense that they are at the course everyday. When we were finished there was a groundskeeper watering the green. He looked just like Bill Murray from Caddyshack which made me laugh. One of the old guys said “is that the new greens keeper?” “Yes, that’s the new guy; Trevor’s the name I think.” “No, it can’t be Trevor, that’s the previous guy, tall lanky fellow.” “Yes yes you’re right. This guy’s name is Reggie.” “We should introduce ourselves.” “Yes, let’s!” Then off they went to meet the new greens keeper.

After lunch we returned and everyone had the evening off. I had lots of paperwork to do so I worked in the room and had room service.

While all this is going on, Sue traveled to New Zealand. She had the exact same flights we will use on Saturday. Melbourne to ChristChurch to Queenstown. She missed her connection in ChristChurch because the airport was overrun with people. Auckland was fogged in and all the jumbo jets arriving from Asia for Chinese New Year travel were diverted there. There weren’t even any carts for her to use to clear customs. AND it was the last flight of the day to Queenstown. AND the PGA NZ was in town for tournament. AND it was the Annual Rugby Festival. AND there were no hotels to be found. She managed to locate something near the airport, she claimed it was formerly someone’s old house. She called me in a panic.

What if this happens on Saturday? There is a direct flight but it departs at 7:40 a.m. We would have to collect their luggage at 4:00 a.m. I spent about 2 hours on the phone with Air New Zealand, our ground operator, private jet companies, train services, everything but horseback was considered. Jim made the final decision to keep things “as is” and hope it works. If not, we will attempt to find lodging and attempt to get on flights the next day. Sue and I would prefer to hire coaches if it happens and drive people the 8 hours to avoid another airport transit with their bags and unpacking yet another night. The ground operator said we probably couldn’t stay at the same hotel, and since I’m the only staff person traveling with them, I would have to coordinate their trips to their hotel, their flight rebookings, their transit back to airport and checking bags again. Pray for clear skies!!!!!!!

In chatting with the caddies they told me of the “footy” game on Friday night in the stadium downtown, which seats 128,000! It’s a pre-season game and tickets are only $17.50 for the cheap seats. Its Australian football rules and is one of the most popular sports here with cricket and soccer (football). They said its lots of fun and about a 15 minute walk from the hotel or a free trolley ride from downtown. I’m going to try to go if I don’t have duties.

Tomorrow is another golfing day so more of the same.

Sue and I met for breakfast again in the hotel restaurant. They have a triple level restaurant with a breakfast buffet, open kitchen, and bar on the bottom level. Very cool. The breakfast is awesome once you figure out what things are called. They know me after 5 days so far, so the server automatically gets me a diet coke! The fruit is wonderful and they typically have 6 different juices available.

We took a cab to the airport and discovered the flight was now 1 hour late. We did some people watching and I talked with a very nice fellow and his crew of divers. He is a boss on one of those off-short drilling rigs. He works one month here, then one month back home in Texas. He did this for several years in Angola (flying via Lisbon to and fro) and said that it’s good money, tax free, if you can stand the schedule.

Everyone arrived at the airport and were taken to the bus, all except two folks whose golf bags were not to be found. These are large travel cases and they pack all sort of luggage inside, so it’s a real problem when they are missing. I took their claim ticket and spent the rest of the day off and on tracking the progress of their bags.

Sue and I did some more work on golf pairings and checked the reception setup.

We held our welcome reception at 6:30 pm and met everyone. They were all very nice and wanted to know when they were going to see kangaroos! We later found out there are services that will bring kangaroos to your meetings. I want to book one of the big red ones next time.

We then walked to dinner at a nearby place. There are many restaurants within walking distance and though they might not look so great on the outside, they are just fine inside. You just have to know where to go.

I needed to affix two more tags to the clubs so I found Timmy (remember Timmy?) to unlock the private storage room. When I did, all the clubs were gone except 4! I said “Timmy, where are my golf clubs?” He said “I pulled them for your golf outings tomorrow and took them upstairs.” At this point I had two choices: I could strangle Timmy, or just admit defeat. While I admit the sight of Timmy’s eyes rolling back into his head would have been awesome, I decided to have him move the other 4 bags to the other area. Of course, I had to reorganize them because our separate stacks were no longer viable. I had to notify the bus company of the new location and notify all the passengers of the new loading area. I like Timmy. Timmy’s helpful, he smiles a lot. No moss grows on Timmy. He’s always looking for something to do.

I wonder how the Timmy-factor will affect the luggage on Saturday?

The rest of the night was spent checking on the missing golf bags. At midnight, the internet stated they were located at the airport and would be scheduled for delivery. Which airport? DFW, LAX, AKL, or MEL? Never did get an answer so we’ll hope better results for tomorrow.

Finally went to bed about midnight.

Tomorrow is a full day of golf at two courses.

I am a luggage aficionado. I love luggage, different types of luggage, colors, etc…. I love watching luggage go around the carousel at the airport. I loved luggage – until I had to do my first luggage pull. Passengers were told to have their luggage outside their hotel door by 7:15 a.m. The bellman were given a rooming list and proceeded to make their rounds.

Out came 1 of Pax #1’s bags, with two from Pax #3. Then here comes pax #2’s golf bag, etc…. The bellman make another sweep. More luggage. Then the passengers begin arriving at the bus. They have hand luggage with them to be loaded. Then you confirm with them that you have their 4 bags. They said “we have 5 bags.” So you go to the bellman to find out it’s on another cart, but now these folks are paranoid about their luggage, so they stand outside the bus asking maybe, I don’t know, a HUNDRED TIMES if you have their 5th bag.

And this was only for 16 people. I can only imagine what it’s like for 96!

Everyone was loaded and head to the airport. We smartly pre-reserved Smart Carts (he he!) luggage trolleys. We prepaid for 36 and when your bus parks, they delivery them all in a row. Then the second round of luggage movement begins. Everyone is impatient and instead of allowing organization to prevail, the take matters into their own hands and grab their own luggage. Sort of don’t blame them. We are hiring assistants for Saturday’s departure.

Incidentally, there is a real worker shortage here. There are no porters at the airport and the government publishes a list of occupations for which you can immigrate and get your visa ASAP.

So, the moment of truth: “If you have a business or first class ticket, please proceed to the SHORT line to your left.” Only 6 people moved. “If you have an economy ticket, please proceed to the incredibly LONG line snaking it way down the corridor past the airline check in and out the door.” OMG. This was unbelievable. Quantas has discontinued group checkin so every tour group was in line. Our passengers were noticeably stressed, as were Sue and I. But the line was moving.

After 1 hour, they were all checked in. Interesting: business and first class checkin took an hour also. It’s just like taxi cab fares down here. It doesn’t matter when you want to go in the suburbs, it will cost you $50.

The next task was for them to roll their oversized golf bags to the opposite end of the terminal for baggage. Then the next stop was security and they were no longer our concern.

The phone rings. Its two passengers who had arrived early for Group #3 and their golf bags are missing from the hotel. We physically saw them two days prior so it was odd they were missing. I said, “You don’t think they were confused with the one golf bag for the cancellation that had to go back to the state?!” Sure enough, when the courier arrived to pickup Mr. Stutt’s bag, the hotel gave them Mr. Stuff’s two bags instead. We anticipated such a problem and specifically had Mr. Stutt’s bag moved to the concierge office. Everyone had been notified except Timmy on the graveyard shift.

Now Timmy was a cute little fellow, very eager to help, and apparently was too far down the corporate ladder to receive word about the possible confusion pending with Stutt and Stuff. Timmy was working without the warning. Left to his own devices, Timmy did the unthinkable and gave away the wrong clubs. Timmy not good. Timmy bad boy.

Now, these clubs were returning with a service called Luggage Free. They will ship ALL of your luggage to your vacation and then ship it back. It costs about the price of a first class ticket (!), but it relieves you of all the stress association with luggage—unless Timmy’s on the job. Timmy can single handedly override any luggage system on earth.

I called NYC headquarters of Luggage Free and then were on the job tracking the location of the mishandled clubs. About 4 hours later, we received word they had been stopped in Sydney and would be on the next flight back.

Timmy’s interaction with us was not over. More on that later!

I think I mentioned on the trip down I had some clothing stolen from my suitcase. Of course, it was my black pants and short which are vital to my wardrobe! I walked down to the local department store, called Davy Jones (which makes me laugh everytime I say it). I forgot their summer is almost over and they are getting ready for autumn. There were no shorts for sale and coupled with the high prices here, I was getting desperate. The pro shops are not stocked with merchandise (where do these folks buy their golf clothing?) so downtown was my only hope. The Aussie hospitality was stellar and I left the store with a written list of options and directions to the stores.

No luck. Nothing but winter clothes. Then I spotted an oasis, a shining beacon of merchandising, ready to save me: Target! Eagerly I entered to find two levels brimming with clothes—but no shorts. However, they did have a sale on all their black pants. I don’t think I have ever seen that many styles and that many sizes of black pants in one location. It’s the color of choice here. I located a crop pair and paid the $39.99 minus 20%. That’s pretty steep for Target pricing, but everything’s expensive.

To give you an illustration of the type of passenger we have and the world THEY live in, on the bus one wife loudly exclaimed to the other ladies, “over there is Armani. Don’t go there, they are expensive.” She didn’t point out the Target. I didn’t either!

Sue and I decided to have our golf bags moved to a “private” storage room on the meeting room level, called the buses and told them to set on the lower level, and informed the passengers we would be loading on the lower level. We didn’t want to have another Stuff/Stuff incident and wanted things locked up. The bellman relocated all the bags, we tagged them, and separated them for the Thursday outings. We had another quick break so I got the camera and went across the street to the cathedral, gothic with some really cool features. I hope to post photos tonight. I also walked through the park to the conservatory, the miniature Tudor village and back to the hotel.

The rest of the night was spent catching up on some work.

Tomorrow we meet and greet again. These are the people that I will be spending the next 2 weeks with so I am anxious to meet them, figure out who I have to hand-hold and who will buy me a drink!

Sports. Sports on tv, sports in the newspaper, sports everywhere you look.

Australia is a very "fit" place and it seems that everyone is active in sports. Of course, there is the Australian Open held about a 5 minute walk from the hotel, the soccer stadium, the cricket stadium, the footy stadium, skulling, surfing, skiing, golf, lacrosse, lawn bowling, etc.... They are a very active people and to their credit, it's hard to spot an overweight person on the street. There are leagues for all different sports.

They are VERY serious about their golf down here. There are numerous public courses, but most courses are very private, members only. We had some difficulty in getting our players on the courses, some do not allow visitors at all, and some only allot a dozen openings on a Monday for visitors.

There is also no such thing as a golf cart. Everyone walks with a trundler (pull cart). Most use a caddy or a forecaddy. The elderly ladies will sometimes use an electric trundler, but most I saw were just putting along (putting, get it?! I crack me up!)

So, the most coveted tee time is at the Royal Melbourne Golf Club. Royal courses are the ones granted such status by the Queen. RMGC, founded in 1891, only issues 12 visitors slots each Monday. We were very lucky to obtain the slots and through a member who is on the cruise, was able to petition the course for 12 more slots each on Thursday and Friday. Apparently this guy is a "big" guy, so they granted his wish.

The greens fees are $530 but it does include a caddy. The dress code is very strict. All men must wear white knee length socks. Now, while their "official" code says shorter socks are ok, we were told that you can be asked by the marshall to purchase proper socks before teeing off. Also NO cell phones on any course down here. Mandatory. They told us that even though we are not out on the course, we should turn off our cell phones and if we need to take a phone call, we should go back to the tour bus. Like I said, they are serious about their golf. Interesting though, the course is very strict on so many things, but they allowed ladies to be members starting in 1892, much earlier than most courses in the world. The ladies locker room was a museum of photos, old golfing attire, and trophies.

Sue took our 12 players to RMGC while I took the guys who drew the short straw to another private course, Kingston Heath. After they were off, I had the pro shop call a cab to take me to RMGC. Since most of the courses are private, the taxi drivers have no idea where any of the course are. My driver had no clue. I had written directions and he had a map so I was good to go! He drove while I frantically searched for the roads in his map book. We only had two U-turns during the 20 minute trip. When we arrived, I said "nice driving." He said "nice navigating!"

Let's me also say that crossing the street is very polite as well. It's well-known that crossing the street in a british driving rules country can be deadly. OUr instict is to look right, when we should be looking left. Their crosswalks are all auditory equipped with tones for the blind, so that's easy. Also, NO ONE goes until the tones sound. NO ONE jaywalks. But they do walk on the opposite side of the sidewalk than I'm used to. I think I single handedly slowed down one block in Chinatown by weaving back and forth.

Our golfers finished their rounds and the caddies took their clubs and shoes for cleaning. There are huge fines in New Zealand if your golf equipment is dirty. We have already had a set of clubs impounded by the agriculture customs service in Auckland.

After lunch in the clubhouse, we returned everyone to the hotel. There was no scheduled dinner, so Sue and I walked to a local seafood restaurant. They served something called "mud bugs" which after investigating, are like prawns. I did not order them. Ick.

During the ride to the course, I was chatting with a couple from Michigan/Boynton Beach. Did I mention that all of these people have multiple residences and multiple country club memberships? They asked where I went to school and I said Centre College. She said "in Danville?" I said, "yes, and why do you know Danville?" Turns out that one of the long time attorneys back home who I know has a summer house next door to them in Michigan and she even had an aunt and uncle retire to Danville. She was just there 2 weeks ago for her aunt's funeral. Small world huh?

Tomorrow we transport everyone to the airport for their flight to Auckland, then Group #3 passengers begin arriving. I'm going to do some quick shopping. I had some clothes stolen during my trip down, and the worst things they could have taken, they did: my black shorts, black pants, my one sweater, and black crop pants (btw, I do own 2 pairs of crop pants now-- I guess I got over it like Lisa has been telling me for years!). The department store here is called "Davy Jones". Makes me laugh.

This is our first day of touring. We need at 8:00 a.m. to travel to Healesville, which is in the wine region of Victoria province. It's a clear day and weather about 75 degrees with a slight wind. The mountains are called Dandenong, which is aborigine for "high placees" (the aborigines knew how to cut to the chase when it came to naming things). They are more like foothills although they told us further down the coast there is good skiing.

This is wine country. The Yarra Valley. Grape harvesting begins around March 1 so many of the vines were covered with netting to prevent locals pests from wreaking havoc on the harvest. They also plant rose bushes at the end of the vine rows. Apparently the local flying bugs will eat the sweeter rose petals before the grapes.

On the drive down we learned about two public service announcement projects by the Australian government, both of which are indicative of how folks down here look at life. It's no nonsense, tell it like it is. THe first is their "Dont Drink and Drive" bill boards. They simple say "If you Drink and Drive, Your're a Bloody Idiot!" Of course, someone has created a t-shirt to counter that directive. It says "If you Make it Home, You're a Bloody Hero!"

The second billboard is a campaign regarding skin protection and the sun. Australia has the highest incidence of skin cancer in the world, and coupled with their lack of workforce and their immigration marketing, they have a real need to protect their population. The campaign starts with the kids. You are required to wear hats with back neck flaps to school. Mandatory. Also, sunscreen is available in most public bathrooms alongside hand soap. It's a generic brand marketed by the government, but everyone uses it. The actual campaign is called "Slip, Slap, Slop." The kids are taught to first SLIP on a t-shirt, SLAP on your hat, and SLOP on your sunscreen. It seems to be working. I just love it!

We arrived at the Healesville Sanctuary. Founded in the early 30's, it's a showcase of indiginous animals exhibited in their most natural habitat, most of which are rescued animals. We are on the "highlights tour" so we do the biggies: koala, emu, wombat, tasmanian devil, platypus, kangaroo, and dingo.

I want to be a koala. Seriously. They sleep 20 hours a day and eat the other 4. If you throw in some cable television, I'm sold! I have a few photos that I hope are ok, but since they are shown in their natural habitat, they are high up in trees asleep.

Emu's are ugly, although they do pose for you. Wombats won't look at you when they are eating, won't acknowledge your presence, sort of like Buddy and Jackie. The tasmanian devil is suffering from a rare form of contagious skin cancer. They are predicted to become extinct in the wild and are being harvested and sent to zoos for preservation. They also can devour a large whale overnight.

The platypus must only been seen without a flash on your camera so I wasn't too interested. They are tiny.

Kangaroo's have such attitudes. We were allowed in an kangaroo enclosure. They just laid until the trees and looked at us with such snootiness. There were both the smaller gray ones but also the large red ones. Disappointing though, no boxing. Here's a freaky stat: they can have one joey in the pouch, about a foot high, another one in there about 2 inches big, and another one inside the body pre-birth. They can also delay the birth for years depending on the climate, resources, etc.... Weird. I like them.

Puppies!!!! Dingos are just great. I want a dingo. Couple maybe. I have a feeling that the ones we saw are laying on someone's living room floor playing with squeeky toys at night.

Saw some snakes too--sort of. I never really SEE snakes at the zoo. I might be in their vicinity, giving the false impression that I'm really looking at them, but not really. And of course, every one down here is poisonous. I hurried through the enclosure to the next open room, only to run into a guy with a python around his neck. Not fair. He actually thought I might touch it. He doesn't know me very well. Got a picture though!

After the animals it was off to the real exhibit everyone was waiting for: wine tasting! We visited Chateau Yearing. Old historic winery/home. The luncheon was great! Also found out that Melba toast and Peach Melba was named after the opera singer Dame Nellie Melba who lived and is buried at the estate next door.

While casually walking to the front door, admiring the vegetation, an attack was launched with split second accuracy, such indescribable viciousness. Bushfiles! Good lord, these tiny flies are after your tears, your mucus in your nose and saliva in your mouth. That's gross to even type! We all started running toward the door and realized that the can of Deet insect repellant was on the bus. Next time!

After a great lunch, we had a 45 minute ride back to Melbourne. We had a great bus driver named David Smith, or Smitty. Just like Crocodile Dundee, very funny. On the way back the tour guide said we could spot some live kangaroos on the hillside, usually in "mobs." We were all looking for them when David piped up that it's easier to spot a dead one than a live one because they mark them with a red X on the roadway so they can dispose of them. Now, it was a contest to find a dead one. Everyone was intently glaring out the windows for the dead one. Finally, David explained "here comes one." People rose up out of their seats to see it. Applause for the dead one. It was a very dark and funny moment.

I was so very tired when we returned and Sue and I agreed not to go to dinner (many other passengers cancelled their reservations). I went to bed early too, since my day tomorrow would begin at 5:00 a.m.!

Overall, it feels kind of wierd to say that the highligt of a day was seeing a dead animal, but I guess after wine tasting, it takes on a special kind of fascination. I'm just glad David didn't stop the bus for a Kodak moment!

More tomorrow, after we have our first round of golf!