My Adventure Down Under

Do ears get jet lag? I swear my ears were on a delay this morning. I could see the alarm clock blinking but I couldn't hear a thing! I finally hear the beep, having slept until 5:30am. (for those of you keeping track this was 1:30pm the previous day in NC).

My first steps were a little slow and I noticed that my ankles were considerably larger than when I went to bed. Edema is not pretty, not all that painful, but certainly a little annoying. Not much you can do but wait for them to go down. Oh well, I'm pretty sure there are 300+ Quantas flight 94 passengers who look very simliar.

I met Sue for breakfast at 8am and went over the tasks for the day. I had been assigned Meet and Greet at the airport for 8 people.

I forgot to mention that this is the optional pre-cruise tour for cruise #2. There are only 20 people here who will be joining another 76 people in Auckland. Many of them started their holiday at the Great Barrier Reef and are spending 4-5 weeks here in total.

So, I take a taxi to the airport to pickup 8 people and when the taxi pulls up to international arrivals, it's as if we had crossed into mainland China. It was a sea of chinese travelers. Buses were stacked up, sidewalks were full, and inside was worse. It was the Chinese New Year - Year of the Rat. Melbourne has a HUGE Chinese population stemming from the 1800's gold rush and their immigration policies in the 1990's.

My first task was to locate the two vans and drivers. I did a complete walk of the bus line and they were no where to be found. Inside, it was difficult to move and after working my way from one end to the other, I decided to call Dave at the transportation company. Dave answered me--from Tasmania! Not much help here and he suggested I phone the dispatch. I did and they assured me that the driver (named Lucky) was there. More searching and I finally found him--underneath a huge sign reading "Meet your Chauffeur Here." Maybe my eyes had jet lag too.

Turns out he just arrived because he couldn't find a place to park. We held our signs aloft for all to see, hoping to attract our passengers. It worked! We located two couples with their luggage. Lucky walked them to his van and hoped that the second driver, Jeff, could park in his space.

I was all alone now. Fortunately for me, I was considerably taller than most of the other chauffeurs so it wasn't very difficult to hold my sign higher. And finally Couple #3 came through customs. The told me that Couple #4 were about 10 people behind them in line. Couple #3 wife offered to take my extra sign and "troll" the area for them. Couple #3 husband then took my place while I went to find the other driver.

I found Jeff through divine intervention, so all we needed were the 4th couple. We waited and waited. I called Sue at the hotel and they had already checked in the hotel!?!? Apparently, when they exited, the decided to throw in the towel immediatley and not even try to locate us. I heard later that it took 3 taxi's to get them and their luggage to the hotel.

We came back to the hotel and I had to walk downtown to the pharmacy to purchase sunscreen and bug spray. Year of the Flies. Billions of them. Swarming all over you. I know I was warned, but OMG, how do these people live with this. Bush Flies they call them. Only in the heat of summer. Right now. Fortunately the Australian government doesn't have a problem with DEET sprays, so I purchased several bottles.

As I walked downtown past the shops, cafes, stores of various kinds, head shops next to classical music stores, I began to encounter grunge. Girl grunge. Boy grunge. Black grunge. Polite though. My trip coincided with an evening long concert by various performers, ending with Kanye West. It was then I realized that I wasn't blending in as much as I usually do. My clothes were not black, nothing was ripped, they were ironed, my hair was one color, and I had washed it that morning. Next time I'll be more prepared or at least have something I can rip or use a sharpie on. I could have always flashed my tattoo but thought better of it after careful consideration.

I came back to the hotel for a little more preparation work and to setup the opening reception. It was a very simple affair for the 20 folks, but what is so interesting for us, is watching the jockeying for alpha position by the females. It was great entertainment. Both ladies are type A but I predict that only one will be the winner. I'm sure by the time I transport them to the airport again, a clear winner will be declared.

Having met everyone, I am very impressed how nice they are. Great conversation, funny, and appreciative of their opportunity to be here. Many different backgrounds, corporate, legal, owners, CEO's, retired, semi-retired, or still on the job.

Afterward, Sue and I walked to a local Italian bistro for dinner. I tried to local fish special, "barramundi." It was grilled whole which always disturbs me. One should not eat something that is staring back at you! Couple of glasses of chianti later, we were crashing so we headed back.

Here is something that you won't believe. I would never have asked this question in a million years but now I'll have to. While I was sitting in the lobby waiting on people, I noticed many floral deliveries to the hotel. Many, more than I would expect. I also began to notice that many people were bringing their infants to the lobby, sitting with them for afternoon tea, or strolling through the lobby. Lots of them. I couldn't stand it any longer. I went to the best source for hotel information, the bellman. The Scoop: The Park Hyatt leases one floor of their tower suite to the hospital across the street for birthing suites! These were newborns. Fortunately none of our people were on the floors directly above or below. Coming to a hotel near you!

I won't go into great detail, but AT&T removed my international service without my knowledge (it had been part of the plan since 1992). The office provided cell phone was for office use only so talking with Ross was going to become very difficult quickly. We can use Skype but only if I'm in the hotel room when he's available. I'm sure we will work it out somehow.

Off to bed at 11:15pm to get some good rest for a day of touring tomorrow.

Did I mention that the guy's seat in front of me was broken? Surely I mentioned that as soon as we reaching crusing altitude he reclined his seat right into my lap. It reclined so severely that the flight attendant had to ask him to go forward a bit in order to serve my drink. Fortunately for me, I think it was too far back for him to see his in-seat video screen so it turned out not to be a problem.

Menu's were distributed along with a handy timeline of what would be happening throughout the 15 hours, i.e. meals, snacks, hot towels, crying babies, turbulence, etc.... The choice of coc-au-vin or tilapia was revealed along with a list of the beverages. NOW we are talking about some real service here. Free beverages. Free. Did I mention free wine, liquor, etc... In fact the only beverage you could not obtain quickly was water! Unexplainable rationing on the water. I was eager to comply, so I drank wine.

I chose the fish. I had fish at LAX prior to departure, consuming my monthly intake of sodium in one sitting, but I thought the on-board fish with sugar snaps would sit well. Besides I was already consuming "vin" so coc au vin was overkill.

For a meal that had been cooked, frozen, stored, transported, and reheated, it was not that great. I ate the bread and drank more wine.

FINALLY, the on-board entertainment system was working. Ironically, just as I pushed the button to choose a movie, the reading light above my seat illuminated. Nice timing.

Lots of movies to choose from. I tried Michael Clayton. Could barely stay awake so I switched to 3:10 to Yuma. You know my like of Russell Crowe. It was very good. Very reminiscent of High Noon suspense and great action. At the end, I was ready to get some sleep.

With my ear plugs, headphones, whiplash collar and night shades in place, I began the 3 hour cramp-and-shift routine. Misery. It not only frustrates you physically, it gets to you mentally. I just wanted to get down on the floor and sleep - - but wait, that has been prohibited. It all becomes painfully clear to me. Sleeping on the floor should have been a viable option for economy passengers, a last resort to avoiding embolisms. Quantas banned the practice instead of charging extra for it. A missed revenue opportunity.

After 3 hours, several passengers around me had given up on sleep. I looked at the flight tracker and was very excited to see only 9 more hours left!

Oh, forgot to tell you I kept ringing the call button with my butt. The remote control device was stored in the side of the arm rest. After my a** called the attendant 4 times, I finally removed the control and let it dangle down in front of my seat. Also, whenever I switched from a movie to the menu, the volume reset itself to the loudest setting--in Chinese.

Let's watch another movie. The Heartbreak Kid. Entertaining, funny ending.

Let's watch another movie. The Invasion. Remake, more action than original.

Let's watch---nope, can't do another one. I resorted to staring into space. I just don't care anymore. Living just doesn't hold that special appeal by this time.

It was at this point that I realized my headphone case and Ipod are missing. I searched all around me to no avail. The man across from me noticed my search and said "Did you loose something?" I said "yes, my headphone case." He said "is it like this one?" and realized his was missing also. He started looking. I remembered my mini flashlight and proceeded to shine my light underneath sleeping passengers in my area. He borrowed it. The guy in front of me offered to search also so he borrowed it. It wasn't that he was being helpful. I know he was desperate for something to do just like me.

"Here's one!" he exclaimed. We both looked at the case hoping it was ours. With Indiana Jones suspense, we carefully opened the case to discover it was the other guy's case, not mine. Collectively, the treasure hunters decided I would have a better chance of finding it when we landed.

Sudden onset of turbulence. The captain announces "would all passengers and crew return immediately to their seats." That's all he said. Click. Microphone off. The Quantas crew hurry down the aisle to their seat and strap in. I might be sleepy and miserable, but I know a panic when I see one.

Then it starts. Simple at the beginning. Then bone jarring slamming into air pockets. My wine nearly spilled at one point. Everyone wakes up including the babies. Ten minutes later it was over. No announcement just a simple "ding" of the seat belt light being deactivated. Pavlov's dog would have loved the sound as much as we did. Ding was good. Ding is our friend.

A couple more bathroom breaks, some candy, cereal and juice and we are ready to land. Again, I just don't care at this point. My will to breathe was almost gone.

Mercifully, we slammed the runway in Melbourne. One would think with 15 hours to prepare, the captain could do a better job.

I began my "have you seen my headphone case" interrogation of those around me. They were searching, even the bin police fellow behind me (secretly and silently I had pondered whether he had intentionally swiped my case when I went to the bathroom just to prove a point about bin usage). Then the Italian fellow next to the window said "is this your case?" Eureka! It was next to the fusilage all the time.

Gathering my items, the bin policeman offered to get my luggage down for me. I accepted, just to show him there were no hard feelings. As we are exiting, we come to the first door and a wheelchair is blocking it. The attendant made us walk through the business and first class cabins to exit. It was like driving from Hollywood to BelAir. There were gleaming fully horizontal bed/seats. Blankets, full size pillows, and probably all the water you could drink. Someday....

So we lined up for immigration. They were processing people very quickly so when it was my turn I eagerly stepped to the window. Scan the passport. View the screen. Frown. Oh please no, not the frown. Turn to call the supervisor. For the love of God, not the supervisor. "Please step aside to the red flag." NOOOOOOOO! So I wait for the supervisor all the while fearing body scans, unshaded lightbulbs, cigarette scorched formica tables, hours of Crocodile Dundee reruns. The supervisor approaches, smiles and says, "it appears that you have the incorrect visa." I'm so sorry about that. Which one should I have?" "You have a pleasure visa and have declared on your immigration card handed out on the plane you are here for business." "Well, I must confess that, at the time, after 15 hours in coach, putting a check mark beside the word "pleasure" just seemed wrong to me." She laughed, and said "I understand. No problem, just remember next time to make them match." Whew!

Rescan the luggage to enter the country, get smelled by a petite beagle, front line duty for customs, and into the van to the airport. Raining but short lived. Rooms not ready. Lunch. Room ready. Overcome urge to flop on the bed for the next 12 hours. Shower. Change. Taxi to golf course for meeting. Taxi back. Room service. Stay up as long as possible and crash at 10:00 a.m., 41 hours since you took the dogs out to pee in North Carolina.

There is no way I could have marked "pleasure" on that card!

Today the adventure begins!

First goal for the day was to avoid the $50 charge for overweight luggage (glad life doesn't charge me $50/day for being overweight). Their system includes a self serve kiosk that stops dead in it's tracks when you request confirmation of an international destination. The screen states "Wait HERE" for a representative. Don't move, don't even think about moving out of the way, stay right there. So I did. Nothing. Nada. Only after everyone within 500 yards of the checkin desk had been handled did a representative ask me what was wrong.

She walked to the machine, inserted her key, then magically it completed the process allowing me to check in. Then I was instructed to bring my luggage to the desk. The moment of truth! While getting my luggage on the scales, I asked if she would check them through to Australia and she said "certainly!" Feigning great surprise and overwhelming gratitude, I proceeded to compliment her all the while pushing my luggage past the scales and onto the stationary rim on the otherside nearest the belt. I even said "Can you reach the handle from there?" being the helpful passenger. Both bags were tagged and I was handed a boarding pass. Success!

Second goal of the day: Carry on 4 separate items, clearly in defiance of the one carryon and one personal item limitation. As I approached the TSA agent, I said "I need your help today." He said "what can I do for you?" I said "I know there are regulations for carryons, but I am facing 25 flight hours, 36 awake hours and loosing an entire day of my life to get to Australia. I really need all of the items you see here. And it's really just 1 item per flight leg. It's survival gear!" He laughed and smiled and said that my need was greater than most travelers today and that it was ok.

The first flight was uneventful, on time to DFW. I read 1/2 of my first paperback and wondered which flight Sue was taking since she wasn't on this one.

We landed at DFW and I emerged from the jetway into a sea of chaos. Chicago was shut down due to multiple feet of snow and flights were diverted, planes and crews were stranded, and everyone was trying to get a seat on a flight going in their direction. My flight wasn't listed on the monitors, so I located a lone gate attendance who looked up the gate for me. My flight was delayed 2 hours and had 30 people on the stand by list. I managed to get a seat and as the minutes went by, the crowd grew larger. The offers of riches and perks began. Vouchers, meals, upgrades, and papal dispensations. They managed to get everthing sorted out and we were on our way to LAX.

We landed at LAX and I made a quick change to the international terminal, queued up at Quantas for a boarding pass and went upstairs for dinner. Sue was about 1 hour behind me and by the time I called home, she was on her way to join me in the bar for dinner. Then the long wait began.

6 hours till takeoff. We decided to go to the gate and locate electrical outlets to charge our computers, phones and ipods. In my increasingly tired mode, I forgot to extract my official quart baggie of gels and liquids from my luggage. OH NO!!! Would it be confiscated? Would I be "red flaged"? Something worse? Nope, nothing, nada. They didn't even notice it in the luggage. Nice work TSA.

If you have never been in the international gate areas at LAX, you have missed a stark, dingy, under construction area, with exposed wiring, out of service moving sidewalks, and temperatures kept similiar to those of a meat locker. We managed to pass the time taking turns walking up and down between the TWO, yes 2, duty free kiosks. I memorized the flavors of Beef Jerkey for sale, bought some peanuts and Life Savers and tried to stay warm.

Finally, boarding! The Quantas agent gave a stern lecture and warning for all: there will be two lines, first class and every one else. The everyone else line would snake through the seating area around the wall, would be single file, and no one would be allowed to cut into the line. The orderly queue process began and 300+ people began to board. The rich folks went either forward in the plane or up the stairs. The rest of us went to our right into steerage.

When I arrived at my seat, the storage above was full. I spotted available space in the bin behind and lifted the briefcase up for storage. The man seated behind my seat said very loudly "that's the space for this row lady." I pretended to ignore him and added the camera bag to the area. He then said "well, I guess you are going to do it anyway." I sat down next to the Italian couple and assembled my entourage of survival items (more to follow on that). The two seatmates for the row behind me arrived and their bin was also full (now that I had disobyed the ruling by the self appointed bin steward) and what happened? The bin steward rose to this feet and offered to help them find an open bin for their luggage!! Against my instincts, I didn't make a comment. I guess I didn't look worthy of his help.

The next instructions by the Quantas drill sargent was "there will be no sleeping on the floor on this flight." Now this was my first Quantas flight, but I can ony imagine what these flights looked like BEFORE this directive was added to the litany. I was releaved that I didn't have to step over snoozing bodies litering the aisles and galleys.

We were off! I readied myself for 15 hours in the seat, while anticipating viewing the 60+ on demand movies, cds, and television shows. Or perhaps I would just read my novel. Then came the dreaded announcement: "we are experiencing difficulty with our in-flight entertainment system." NOOOOOOO! Ok, don't panic yet. She said she was rebooting the system so it will probably be just fine. In the meantime you can just read---if your light above your seat was working. No go on the light. Out came the book light and we took off.

Back to the survival gear. After careful consideration and several lengthy flights of experience, I had accumulated quite an arsenal. Here is a semi-comprehensive list: blanket, neck pillow (actually looks like a whiplash collar, not attractive, but fashion doesn't play a role in 15 hours of economy flying), second pillow for back, headphones, earplugs, eye covers, extra jacket, paperback, magazines, candy, water, air purifier, eye drops, nose spray, glacier water spray for face, chapstick, hand lotion, fuzzy socks, jet lag pills, advil pm, and rolaids.

more to come....[quote]